No I do not have a photo of her [she would kill me if I did] but she had to be hospitalized for an outpatient procedure. Today we went to Dallas to stock up on more supplies even though I suggested she stay home and rest and recoop. Her doctors said she needed to rest and that she would not remember anything about today. Well today I learned what it would be like if my mother had Alzheimer which is something I PRAY TO GOD never happens. We had the same 4 or 5 conversations over and over again today and I am pretty sure she spent way more money then she was supposed to. It will be interesting to see if she remembers anything tomorrow.

I love my mother and I am so glad this memory loss is only temporary and a side effect from the medication they gave her. Even though it is temporary it is sad to see your parents in a weak state. Today will not soon be forgotten .

Ok first get your mind out the gutter, not poked like that silly. I am talking about poked by the jab stick of life. Today I seemed to have a mini toddler like hissy fit. So its a very long story I will not bore you with but let me be clear when I say be careful in what you wish/ask for.I will now be sure to start my day with something like I just haven’t met you yet. Soooooooo…

Our life is anything but full of adventure, to me at least. It always seemed full of monotonous boring day to day events outside of the birthdays and such. It’s just not really like we do anything exciting. With that in mind I sat many times complaining at how boring it is from day to day around here full of childcare, work, stress, bills, childcare and so on. Of course in starting my complaints I started as such:

“God, let me first say Thank You for a healthy family and I by no means wish for you to think I am taking that for granted….but…”

Ah yes the infamous strings attached ‘but’. I would go on to complain at how monotonous days are around here and how there is nothing exciting or eventful going on in our lives. You would think by now I would not question God’s motives or plans nor try to change them. Well I supposed I got what I was asking for. In the midst of an already stressful holiday season approaching we receive a certified letter.

My husband walks in, mind you it was on a day we were semi pissy with each other and were giving each other the semi silent treatment for the few hours prior to this blasted letter arriving. [I cannot even remember really what for now but its something we tend to do to keep each other in check haha.] So,

I am in the kitchen.

Husband tosses a handwritten letter and a typed letter on the counter.

I look over to read the handwritten letter, shrug my shoulders, then proceed with what I am doing. I had no interest in reading the typed letter based on the handwritten letter alone.

He walks out the kitchen.

It wasn’t until a few moments later when we were back in our room together I turned to him and asked how much time do we have?

He answered. Then we discussed our options and proceeded.

Turns out we will have to find a new home come end of Jan 2010. We have lived in this wonderfully small house now for 3 years and have been trying to buy it now for 2 even knowing we have SO outgrown it. I have always knew in my gut we are destined for something else but I seemed to have grown comfortable in a safe non-risk taking sort of way. I do not know what has happened to me along the way of being a mom/wife and what not but it might have to do with the times we were really at rock bottom struggling in our journey together. Shitty luck with family, friends, work and hell just staying alive. Prior to this home we have never lived anywhere more than a few months. 3 years is a HUGE chunk of time for me to be planted in one place and starting all over in a new environment sort of scares the shit out of me. It’s the longest I have ever been anywhere in the last oh…15 years of my life. The last 15 years I have been more gypsy like than anything else.

So back to our developing events soon to come that I seemed to have welcomed with open arms into our lives by complaining how same old same old it is around here.

Day 1: I was fine and obtained our credit reports to start the process for home buying again.

Day 2: I was still ok and started reviewing our credit reports and making sure all info is accurate only to find out there are several things on there half from Verizon that are not valid and the others I have no clue. I was pleased with my progress this day. I achieved in removing 2 invalid blemishes on our reports and felt very accomplished.

Day 3: I started off good, then the journey started in dealing with those ass dicks they call collection agencies and proving their inconsistency. Day 3 was nothing like Day 2. The people I spoke with were rude, condescending and down right insulting. Towards the end of day 3 I was approaching a temperamental meltdown. BTW what the hell is going on with me breaking down so easily these days?

Day 4: I wake up and feel overwhelmed by the tasks of the holidays, school events, work [our busiest time of the year mind you], getting our credit reports in line with valid data and the little task of finding a new place to live! Lets just say I was very negative this day. Poor Michael had to deal with a very pessimistic biatch! Towards the end of Day 4 I snapped out of it and went out to get us pizza and baked goods. Hey you never send a temperamental woman to the grocery store alone where they sell baked goods knowing she has to pass the baked goods to get to the diaper/formula isle….okay maybe I didn’t HAVE to take the Bakery route but I did ok.

Day 5: I wake up feeling more optimistic and like this is all happening for the best. I wake up and check my emails to see our bank account [one we rarely use] is overdrawn $1.89 hence leading to a $32.00 fee. Normally in this situation I get very upset because we ALWAYS have so much more money then the overdraft amount in one of our several other accounts with the same bank. Ahhhh! But this time I looked, Michael proceeded to get my attention and say babe chill out calm down, I shrugged and said no biggie. It is what it is and I moved on. Then…later today [today is day 5] Michael went to pick me up dinner and used the wrong card. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH it just so happens not only did he use the wrong card [which is my fault I should have been more specific] but he processed it right around 11:45pm. I tried to go to online banking to transfer funds immediately but guess what…

That is the wonderful message I received when attempting to prevent another OD fee. I think in that moment I self combusted. I hate how furious I get about these things and in the moment logically I know its stupid and childish and just plain ridiculous. But I tend to be a passionate person and perhaps make it out to a bigger deal then need be. So needless to say shit hit the fan. I went on and on with  “fuck this fuck that i quit whats the point fuck it I’m over it” blah blah blah blah. I started cleaning my desk. Cleaning like that is what I do when I am angry. I try to use it to be productive and not completely go bonkers.

Well I have obviously calmed down and I am now sitting here typing and out the corner of my eye I can see the huge pile of trash I discarded from my desk.

I had to blog here to get it out and let it go.

I AM TIRED OF BEING POKED! It’s always something. Bills, stupid meaningless overdrafts, credit report inconsistencies, work issues, kids, dogs and now finding a new home. I have decided I need to suck it up, apologize to and thank my husband in the morning for letting me vent and move forward. Before coming to post I went to change The Zion’s diaper so he doesnt wake up wet and sore and while I was back there the perspective of fees, bills and stupid old rude home owning men that are kicking us out and not fulfilling their end of the contract are really not that important after all.

- Over & Out -
- Nena X -

Quick blurp, its our 7th anniversary. I cannot believe we have been married 7 years! Holy B’Jesus. Who would have thought I could commit to a relationship so long. We had a wonderful and relaxing weekend for a change. It was very nice and happy. We spent time with each other and with our kids and had a very nice time. The weather was nice all weekend and we ended the day today with a nice rainy night, which is my absolute favorite. Everyone is sleeping now as usual I am the only one awake. Enjoying my mountain dew and being grateful for the lovely weekend we have just experienced.

So onto our weekend’s events.

Last night we went out to dinner at:

Then went to the movie:

and surprisingly did not receive any calls from my mother asking when we were going to come get the kids. Yay! Those outings are always happy ones. Dinner was awesome the movie was mind stimulating and good. We went to pick up the kids and call it a night. We had no intention of going out again today since my mother is not so generous with taking the kids, especially anyone other than the older two. To our surprise she called and offered to take some of them for a while so we took advantage of the opportunity and went to grab lunch, relax a bit and pick up the crumb snatchers. Then we came home and enjoyed some cake  that Michael got for us. Yummie. Today was a good day, yesterday was a good day, this was a GREAT WEEKEND.

- Over & Out -
- Nena X -

So I am going to make this part of the story extremely quick because the first part was so long. Here goes:

The following day we were having a little birthday get together for Zion turning 1. Nothing fancy by any means just a cake and a happy birthday song. So my mother comes over and following behind her is my brother Chris. I wasn’t going to make an issue about it because he is their uncle and its a family event so he was welcome.  Turns out he was really just coming over to ask for his money which he waited until Michael had left before asking. Which turned into me telling him I do not want to deal with this right now and that I already told him I was sending a bill pay check from our bank for the time he worked and it would be included in that check I just needed his new address [which he still hadn't given me] and I started to remove myself from the room. I know when I am reaching my limit so I did what was best and attempted to remove myself from the room.I had Zion in my arms and next thing you know as I am passing my brother he continues to mouth off which is when I snapped and explained to him in a very assertive tone the he is lucky to be getting paid anything for babysitting at all because of the crap he had pulled, on top of his attitude with me about it afterward. He then jumped to his feet and advanced me screaming at me…so close so that I could feel his spit on my face as he was screaming at me. Keep in mind I have Zion in my arms. I felt like such a loser that I was even allowing myself to participate in this argument because not only was Zion in my arms but 3 of the other kids were out in the living room. I am VERY grateful to Carly [our friend that was visiting us] for coming out from the room she was in on the phone to retrieve the kids and get them back to their room so they would not have to be exposed to such ignorant acts. It got so heated my mother and Chris’ girlfriend had to get in the middle of us and remove Chris from the situation. There were a lot of mean things said by Chris that day and I will admit I could have been nicer and more mature about it but he was IMO completely in the wrong. All I was asking for was a bit of time to cool down and move on. Which if I am just given enough time and space I have no trouble moving on, but I was not given that.

So now we have a family feud going on because after Chris left my mother decided to stay behind and talk with me about how I should have been nicer and I cannot blame Chris because he doesn’t understand how I feel because he doesn’t have kids. I am sorry but I was 13 years old and would not have done something as stupid as he did. But had I made a mistake of this magnitude, at this point in the situation I would have been so humbled and ashamed and begging for forgiveness and felt just horrible. Which is clearly not the case in this instance.

It just makes me sad [which I have been feeling alot about regarding family/friend relationships lately] that right now not only did Chris manage to screw up the work I have been putting into forming a relationship with him but he also manage to drag my mother into the middle and now we are on the rocks, because as always she will defend Chris to the death, and her golden boy can do no wrong.

Contrary to what many people think about me that know me, I am not a cold heartless bitch. I just choose to keep people at a distance to avoid any necessary pain and suffering. While I know this is perhaps not the best course of action to take, it has become my method. A childhood behavior I installed into the psychological programming of who I have become as an adult. I am new to this whole blogging thing and I can tell it will certainly prove to be a challenge for me as I tend to be more of an introvert. No I am not saying I am shy because that is not what an introvert is…I am saying I prefer my own thoughts more often than not. I know what I am thinking, I know how I feel and I know I won’t stab myself in the back……well I may have a time or two….but I have built up a good technique for not letting folks in my world.

Well I decided to give my brother Chris another chance at working for us and giving him opportunities to be a bit more responsible. As my gut instinct was telling me, he will let me down. Now I am in no way saying I was a perfect young adult, nor am I saying I have never disappointed anyone because that is not the case at all. What I am saying is I didn’t make it a habit to bite the hand that was feeding me. I was compassionate and had a conscious. My bad for expecting that from my brother Chris. Many would say “what’s the big deal?”, thinking I don’t let stupidity like that bother me because I am not close with my family anyway. Well, it is a big deal..it’s a HUGE fucking deal because he is my brother and regardless of the lack of affection and a close relationship I still love him and wish him to do well….even if he is a little selfish shit stain ass dick.

The ordeal in question this go round is this. We had a friend come in from out of town to visit with us. We wanted to go out one night w/out all the lovely life sucking leaches [that would be our children] so against my better judgment, Michael asked my brother Chris to watch them. To secure the outcome he offered to pay him, which OK I will admit I am cheap and honestly felt like he, being their uncle and all, should have done it for free in the first place. You know considering how many favors he has cashed in with us that we don’t bring up or remind him of every chance I get [like he does]. So we drop 4 of the 5 off with him around 8pm and go to dinner. I chose to keep the baby with us because I honestly didn’t think he could handle the baby too. After what went down later that night I am glad I went with my gut on this one. Keep reading and you will see why. Ok so we went to dinner and at about 9:30 we head back to pick up the rest of the kids because there wasn’t real sufficient time to do much else. Before we even make it to his house he calls us to ask when we are going to be back because he has plans. If you decide to follow my blog and get to know me better you will soon realize this is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. DON’T FUCKING CALL ME TO BOTHER ME WHEN YOUR BEING PAID TO BABYSIT! The whole point of going out is to get some ADULT time. [deep breath] Do not even let me get started on that one…that will be another blog post. So to continue on with the story……

We get to his apartment complex and punch in the gate code….ehhhh….[that is a sound effect BTW] it doesn’t work….punching in the code again…..ehhhhh…..I then punched a random number of buttons and it started to ring…I panicked and clicked the hang up button. I look at Michael and say:

Me: “Do you remember the code?”
Michael: “No..”
Me: “Damn it stupid gate I know its ****” I punch in the code again…
Michael: “Maybe it changed.”
Me: Calling Chris … ring ring…ring ring…. Chris answers
Chris: “Hello” [in his stupid drugged up sounding voice]
Me: “What is your code?”
Chris: “****”
Me: “That is what I have been punching in and it is not working.”
Chris: “Are you sure, because it’s ****”
Me: “Yes I am sure I have been punching in the code and it’s not working! Can you just come open the gate please so we can get the kids and go home?”
Chris: Still in his stupid druggy voice “Yeahhhhhh”
Me: “Ok thanks.” [note I am still being polite even though I am unhappy about being bothered while we were out and the fact we only got 1.5 hrs of GROWN UP time.

So we pull up to the gate to wait for Chris. All the while our guest is in the back seat snickering. I am sure she was entertained by her 5 day visit with us as our guest...we sure did put on a show for her. So as we pull up to the gate Michael jokes and says that the smart thing for Chris to do would be to put the kids in the car and just meet us with them at the gate. I chuckle and say yeah that would be the smart thing to do but we are talking bout Chris. Ok now note that I am giving him credit for having some common sense, just not a whole hell of a lot. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever think that he would do what is about to happen! My peaceful semi-relaxed state of mind was complete side swiped and caught off guard. I felt like I had been hit right in my gut by a line backer in the next scene.

We pull into the complex as he pulls up to the gate to get it to open, he reverses into a parking space and a part of me, just a tiny part of me thought 'Oh, maybe the kids ARE in the car.' Soon as that spark entered my thoughts he pulled out of the parking lot going back in the direction he came in. Michael and I both sort of chuckled and commented briefly how that would have been to easy to have had them in the car since THAT WAS all we were doing, just picking them up. We follow him down the road, through and around the dumpster curve in the complex to his building and as we are coming around the curve I see the kids at the bottom of the steps. Ok for a moment I was impressed that he at least had them out and ready for pick up...dun dun dun....UNTIL...yes UNTIL I noticed Angelic [his girlfriend] WAS NOT I repeat WAS NOT standing out there with them! My 7 year old, 6 year old, 4 year old and shoeless 3 year old were all down stairs near the parking lot and by a broken glass bottle ALL ALONE in the middle of the night! If you are a parent you can only imagine how quickly the blood rushed to my head and everything in me wanted to jump out the van and beat the living shit out of my brother. I was even mad at Michael for a very brief moment for choosing Chris to watch them. I was furious and of course immediately I asked Chris WTF they were doing outside alone, completely ALONE…at NIGHT! He tells me to calm down, calm down. Keep in mind we have company in the Van, our guest that traveled from the other side of the country and 2 time zones to come visit with us. She I am sure found this all to be entertaining especially when Chris told me to calm down. I vaguely recall her telling him…”Oh do not tell her to calm down.” Joking around because Michael was telling me to calm down all night because I was vexed about the service at the restaurant. [it sucked, but that is another blog post].

Now I am clearly pissed off and tell him just how stupid that was to leave them out there like that unattended in the dark in a strange place [Chris had just moved into that apartment the month prior] where anything could have happened. Me being a mother my mind could not stop the auto-pilot of horrible horrible outcomes that night could have had. He proceeds to tell me to chill out and to relax and he was sorry he wasn’t thinking. OK now I am not unreasonable and am very aware people make mistakes but I was still very upset about the whole situation and gather the kids into the Van. I get ready to get back in the Van only to be bothered with:

Chris: “So you got that money?”
Me: pauses half way into the Van “Um excuse me?”
Chris: “You got that money, I need that money for babysitting.”
Me: “Um…really? Your going to ask me for the money right now after you just left my kids out here like that, are you really asking me for that right now?”
Chris: “Well I need that money tonight, I am going out.”
Me: “I already told you I have to write you a check, I do not have any cash and didn’t realize we were paying you until we actually were on our way out the door. Plus after this shit you just pulled your lucky to be getting paid anything.”
Chris: sucks his teeth “Man whateva, whateva I said I was sorry, calm down, whateva.”

At this point I get back in the Van and Michael pulls off. I am quite for about a min…then the conversation starts. I was so pissed off and hurt and…completely frustrated. We discussed the happenings and I was rather proud that I did not jump out the van and scratch his eyes out and knee him in his crotch for being so stupid and irresponsible with my little leaches lives. I was balling my eyes out at one point that night and the horrible horrible things that were running through my head were only made worse when we got home and my 3 year old told me he was scared and he had to hold his big brothers hand…whom was also scared to be left completely alone outside at night.

I then quizzed the kids about the happenings of that evening and then in further detail with Caleb and Azariah because they had gone swimming with Uncle Chris and my little 9 year old sister earlier that day. Only to find out that Uncle Chris did in fact leave them unattended at the pool for a moment to get something to drink. I am even more furious then before and call Chris to ask him. He denies it and then proceeds to scream at me on the phone about how he already said he was sorry and it was a mistake and people make mistakes and blah blah blah. I hung up on him. Who the hell is he to be yelling at me?

This is only part 1 of what happened…this is to give you the baseline of the story. The rest will come tomorrow. I am tired right now and need some sleep before the sun comes up.

- Over & Out -
- Nena X -